Combating Mental Illness with Faith

You might look at me and think, wow she is so full of joy or she is so spirited and happy.

But that's not the case at all.

Actually, to tell y'all the truth, I've been in a bad place for a long time. Like I'm just stuck in a deep, dark hole that I cannot seem to lift myself out of.

This deep, dark hole is how I see my mental illness. I picture myself at the bottom of this pit, and I can hear the laughter and joy of the people outside floating down to me, inviting me in but I can't get out. There's a rope right next to me that I could use to climb out, but I know I'm not strong enough to do that. There's someone else down there too, a shadowy figure who is always whispering, telling me convoluted lies that are far too easy to believe. The lies make the hole seem deeper.

The shadowy figure goes by the name of Satan. And though I try to keep his voice out, he's always there in my mind, trying so hard to deceive me, and using my deep, dark hole of depression and anxiety as his dwelling place to keep me from gaining any strength to climb up the rope that is hanging there and escape.

I've been in this dark place for more than a year now. It started in the Spring semester of last year when my relationship had hit a rough spot, my beloved grandma had passed away, and it seemed like no one knew that I was struggling. I could see my friends and loved ones from my dark place, but they weren't inviting me out of it. I saw a pair of dull scissors on my desk, and then I looked down at the veins pulsing in my wrist and I thought, I could end it all right here.

But I didn't.

Instead I sat in my darkness and allowed it to rot and manifest itself inside me, and though I could hear that "still, small voice" (1 Kings 19:11-13), I ran from it and hid myself from God. Now here I am a year later, still struggling to find my way in this dark, sin-held world. And though I struggle against Him sometimes and try to push Him away, my Heavenly Father is still relentlessly chasing after me out of His overwhelming love for me. And if it weren't for Him, the unstoppable God, Satan would've had me already.

One particular passage that keeps me going is one found in Revelation, which states:

"And I heard a loud voice in heaven, saying, “Now the salvation and the power and the kingdom of our God and the authority of his Christ have come, for the accuser of our brothers has been thrown down, who accuses them day and night before our God. And they have conquered him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, for they loved not their lives even unto death."

Revelation 12:10-11 (ESV)

See, though the devil is constantly trying to accuse me and draw me away from God by pointing out all the things wrong with my worldly life, I know that there will come a day when he will be thrown down by the mighty warrior and Savior, Jesus Christ. The thing is, he's already been defeated, and one day his reign of terror will end for good. Though we toil, and though the accuser is constantly trying to tear us down, like a mother bird, our Heavenly Father will never let His children fall away or leave the shadow of his wing.

Another passage that is quite powerful and describe this well is Habukkuk chapter three, which goes into detail about the scenes that the prophet Habukkuk witnessed as the Lord wiped out invading nations and peoples, and then he said something profound at the end of all this:

"Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will take joy in the God of my salvation. God, the Lord, is my strength; he makes my feet like the deer's; he makes me tread on my high places."

Habakkuk 3:17-19

Basically what Habakkuk is saying is, though things do not always go my way or go as I planned, or when everything seems to hit the fan, I will trust the Lord and I will rejoice.

Another prophet's letter that I go to a lot, to compare to my own times of trouble is Jeremiah. As you read through Lamentations, Jeremiah recounts the desolation in Jerusalem, and the evil and suffering that has overtaken the once proud city. In the third chapter, Jeremiah goes into extreme detail of the horrors he had to go through while he was in Jerusalem, even saying things like "He has made my flesh and my skin waste away; he has broken my bones", "He drove into my kidneys the arrows of his quiver", and "He has made my teeth grind on gravel, and made me cower in ashes; my soul is bereft of peace; I have forgotten what happiness is; so I say, “My endurance has perished; so has my hope from the Lord.”" (verses 4, 13, and 16-18). And yet, like Habakkuk, at the end of all this he states:

"Remember my affliction and my wanderings, the wormwood and the gall! My soul continually remembers it and is bowed down within me. But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.”"

Lamentations 3:20-24 (ESV)

Even though his hope is nearly gone and his soul is weak and full of despair, he still is able to rekindle his hope in the Lord and remember the steadfast love that He has for Jeremiah.

Like me, Jeremiah was in a very dark place, as was Habukkuk, their situations of course being far worse than mine, but still having to live with the overwhelming heaviness of doubt, fear, and worry, all of which stemmed from the accuser. But though this burden hung over them, they remembered God's love for them, and as do I. And though the dark shadowy figure of Satan still resides in that deep, dark place, I'm finally reaching up and grabbing ahold of that rope and working my way up one inch at a time, knowing that God is giving me the strength that I need to endure the climb.

And I know that I will not be able to completely defeat my illness, but I will not let it defeat me, but instead use it as a tool to help me grow as I overcome it.

Dear sisters, if you yourself are in a similar situation, know that you are strong enough to climb out of that dark place with the help of your Father, and your brothers and sisters in Christ, and remember that no one (not even you) is too far beyond repair or too broken that God's hands cannot mend them. Yes, it will take time to climb out of that dark place and away from the relentless accuser, but know that you are not alone, because there is an even more relentless and loving God chasing after you that will throw down the accuser and defeat him for good.

To finish up, here is one last word of encouragement from Jesus Himself:

"I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

John 16:33 (ESV)

and one from John:

"For everyone who has been born of God overcomes the world. And this is the victory that has overcome the world—our faith."

1 John 5:4 (ESV)

With faith, you can triumph over anything, even something like depression or anxiety that is living inside your own mind. Sorry for such a long post everyone, but I felt like it was necessary. Thanks for listening and I hope I was able to help. May the peace of the Lord be with all of you.

With love,

Em